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The Colbert Report/Episode/576
Production Info |- |} |- |} Intro SEGMENT1 * the kind of love he's getting from his Mob is the kind he needs right now ** it's like medicine * he's not feeling very well reading about the chaos in Iran ** might be related to his alcohol-fueled celebration of the chaos in Iran * there were 3 million Iranians out protesting * 3 million people can put x # of Norm Colemans in office * Real Americans are criticizing Obama's tepid response to Iran * International Community is not on the map * more than the Iranian people taking their lives in their hands ** McCain ** Grassley ** ?? ** Lindsay Graham * today Obama condemned the Iranian government's actions * Bill Bennett described the fist of the Statue of Liberty on CNN: ::"If you look carefully at the statement, it's a nice invocation of King and other great people. But it's still a dial tone. It's still, we are watching. We're an observer. We're a witness. He should be a participant in this. He absolutely should be. And the fist should be the fist of the Statue of Liberty. That's what this country stands for."http://www.edition.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0906/21/sotu.03.html * just like it says on the Statue of Liberty: ::"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses or I will fuck you up!" * Dr. Colbert recommends googling "Fisting Statue of Liberty" (it's got it all in there) SEGMENT2 * Obama is hoping * Team of doctors took out parts of all of Stephen's organs ** instead of just taking out his appendix * liberals are pushing the "public option" * Lindsay Graham doesn't want a government bureaucrat standing between people and doctors * GOP released their plan ** 3 pages ** no numbers * could never give Stephen a kidney because his body would reject it for being too liberal * Howard Dean ** book: "Howard Dean's Prescription for Real Healthcare Reform: How We Can Achieve Affordable Medical Care for Every American and Make Our Jobs Safer" * America's healthcare system is the envy of the world ** 50 million Americans have no healthcare * if they don't get healthcare, that number will go down * public option would be like Medicare * old people like butterscotch * Howard would not take his pants off during role-playing * under public option, only ACORN members will perform surgery ** for GOP Congressmen who voted against it * small businesses would benefit under public option * people are afraid of the unknown ** filled with spiders and ghosts SEGMENT3 * has not slept a wink since Mark Sanford disappeared * Governor Alert: The Search For Mark Sanford * No one is more qualified to lavish him with praise * reports surfaced that he was hiking * Stephen knew a whole year ago ** Sanford loves solitude * Iran has threatened to attack Charleston with weather * Stephen has hereby declared himself governor ** he has filled the power vacuum * first act as governor ** calls off the search for former governor Mark Sanford * next orders canines to walk upright * Jimmy informed Stephen that Sanford called his office and will return to work tomorrow * Stephen ruled for 40 seconds and wore the crown Interview * David Kilcullen ** book: "The Accidental Guerrilla: Fighting Small Wars in the Midst of a Big One" * expert on guerrilla warfare, Stephen doesn't understand what the big deal is: distract them with bananas then shoot them * what does "small wars amidst big ones" mean? ** use local solutions * he is not from Minnesota; he is from Australia * Condoleezza Rice and David Gates were desperate so they asked him to help * Australia does not have nukes * he was in ** the Army ** and peacekeeping * adviser during the surge ** did not come up with the word "surge" * looks like a hippie compared to Stephen * they key to the success of the surge ** tried to make people feel safe * the Anbar Awakening was the fifth attempt by the locals to fight the insurgents * Gruff, the Crime Dog couldn't help * he never thought America would have been greeted as liberators ** will Afghanistan? * not formally advising anymore Epilogue * Dr. Colbert wished The Heroes a good night Gallery File: File: File: File: File: File: File: File: File: File: Official Truthy Videos * Colbert Nation Home Tube External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments